Order amid Chaos

Jill Kovacs
The Kovacs Story

The Fear and Pain

I've been asked to write a story about that event, how it affected my family, both emotionally, and financially. I find that I cannot, without tears running down my face, without nightmares dancing down my spine.

Jill before treatment

Jill the day after she got out of the hospital. She had lost about 12 lbs in about one month. She is holding a stuffed animal she got while she was admitted, which she named, "chopper"; the initials C.H.O.P. stand for Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.

I find that I cannot walk back through time to this terrible point in our lives, without pictures , awful haunting shadows of fear, tormenting me. I cannot so easily describe the nights of endless fear, the countless hours spent reliving her every moment, the constant simple question of would she survive it. I cannot describe the pain of watching my sweet young daughter being subjected to needle upon needle, the fear growing inside of her, her trust in people diminishing at the same time.

It was a time period of trying to learn to just put one foot in front of the other. Just take small baby steps as you try to venture into this new and terrifying place we were transported to. It is impossible to explain the feeling you get knowing that no matter what you do, where you take your child, no matter if you spend each second of your life standing beside her, she may die. It is impossible to explain the helplessness of dealing with that fact. It was, and still is, a loss of faith in all that's right, a loss that is beyond comprehension, whether your child wins or lose the battle. It was a time of understanding that no matter how many electrical outlets you cover, how tight you put her seat belt, how much money you spend on a life jacket for the pool; you cannot protect her from this. You are her mother, yet there is nothing you can do for your baby. You lose a trust, a trust in the simple belief of life. The carpet is pulled from under your feet in a way that no one, no one at all can understand, no matter how much we try to explain it.